Sunday October 28, 2001


I have dealt with my anger with God.. it took some time. But I realize now what was so hard to see at the time... he has a plan.. and it doesn't always walk side by side with mine. But He does know best. I've learned a lot in 4 years.. I honestly believe that in everything God does it is for a reason.. the reason is different for you then what it is for me even though the same thing happened to us.. God taught each of us something different.

When Mom died he taught me ..

1) He listens to prayer. I always prayed that God not take Mom before I was ready.. I figured after she died that he apparently knew something I didn't. He did. I believe that if he had taken Mom a year earlier I know I wouldn't have lived though it.

2) He taught me that although I chose to walk away from him because of my anger he was always standing there waiting for me. After I realized I couldn't walk away from him.. he showed me what my anger over Mom's death did to my life. Have I made mistakes the last 4 years? Yes.. the direct result of turning my back on God and thinking I could live life like I wanted too .

I am at peace with her death. Do I miss her? Do I still feel pain at losing her? Everyday. Would you miss the sun if it never shined again?? YES!

I was thinking yesterday of the saying "time heals all wounds" Do I believe this saying is true? No.. I don't. I believe that Time lessens the pain.. but it does not heal the pain of the death of a loved one. It's a type of wound that a slight brush can open it again. A dream, a picture, a song.. a thought can reopen this wound. My pain is not as acute as it was in the year after her death.. but a dream, a picture.. a song and there I am standing as I was when the doctor said.. "We lost her.. we tried but she's gone."


Did Mom die because I lost hope? Everyone had hope.. I had none. I knew it was the end... and all I could think was how can I deal with this? I have struggled with the fact that I voted to let her go when everyone voted to go above and beyond to save her.

Mom went into the hospital on my birthday and called to ask me to come do her hair. She had gotten up early that morning to go to the doctor. I tried to fix it.. and I told her she should really do something with it when its still wet.  I stayed with her from noon till 6 just me and her. Others came after awhile. We looked through the window on the other side of the hospital at the trees and hills of the Great Seal Park. The trees had lost their color the week before. I left the hospital that day and went straight to JoJo's house. I was so upset because I knew this was it, I knew God was calling her home.  She just hadn't said yes yet